What, exactly, do women seeking a romantic partner want?
Without clarity on this defining question, the prospective suitor is like a dog chasing a car. Even if he catches it, he’s entirely unclear on what to do next.
Ask eligible women about being pursued by romantically intentioned men.
It isn’t pretty.
Three beguiling Toronto enchantresses say their confounding singleness is an unavoidable reaction to the pool of Toronto courters who are too wishy-washy, self-obsessed, commitment phobic, lacking in basic propriety and brutish in their online dating rituals.
“Toronto guys are shoppers,” says Megan Matthews, a charming 29-year-old public relations professional who is invited on half a dozen dates a month by men who typically disappoint.
“They’re always looking out for the next best thing. It’s a hunter-gatherer thing.”
To wit: A recent date with a shameless chap who made Matthews the opening of a double-header date night.
“We’re having a drink in a bar and he suddenly says, ‘I’ve got to go. Put your money down.’ He crossed the street and I watched him sit down in another place with a woman.”
Let’s say you wished to lure the interests of Lauren Cochran, a 29-year-old human resources manager with wit, a successful career and a discerning gaze.
Her first method of sorting wheat from chaff is likely beyond any practical preparation: physical chemistry.
“Clearly, my method of going after hot stuff isn’t working,” she says. “I put too much emphasis on the initial attraction. Something has to be exciting about the first meeting.”
If your mojo gets you a second glance, you must now execute a counterintuitive move with a high degree of difficulty: Ease off on the sexual chemistry that got you here.
“Men are hyper-sexual. They’re looking for it right away. It’s too much too soon.”
Down, boy.
Dodge this bullet and there are still minefields to negotiate, from the obvious to the never-saw-it-coming variety.
“If he’s rude to service people or treats women like meat, that’s a problem.”
A common beef: Guys who prioritize their
“Is sending messages every five seconds at the table really necessary?” Matthews queries. “Take it off the table.”
Cochran, who includes online dating in her regimen, has experienced some gonzo first approaches.
One recent message for a first-time online suitor reads as follows:
“Not to sound like a perv or anything but your long torso, strong hips, it says you’re more into deep sensual rather than speed or intensity.”
Darcie Vany, a 31-year-old accountant and relationship blogger has been shocked by the photos men use to attract a mate online.
Take, for example, the burgeoning ranks of men hoping to allure the love of their life with photos of themselves without a shirt.
“I don’t care how hot the body is, this is just not acceptable.”
Another frequently unchecked item on Vany’s wish list: Style.
“I can’t see myself ever dating a guy who wears
Matthews is willing to provide some charitable sympathy to dating-challenged men, suggesting women need to share some blame for the misconnections.
“We’ve demanded to be independent and men don’t really know what to do. We’ve confused them.”
This singular point may be the foundation from which to acknowledge a misalignment of expectations that play such dirty tricks on us.
“Women need to feel safe, loved and cherished. Men need to feel respected, appreciated and acknowledged,” says relationship expert Catherine Cardinal. “The biggest problem in relationships is women not understanding how men work and men not understanding the inner workings of the female mind.”
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